I was reading through my FB homepage this morning and stopped at my dad's. It was a story he was sharing about his first vehicle. A 1965 VW bus painted red and white with a peace sign on the rear and both sides, and Budweiser curtains hanging up. The seats had been removed to accommodate his Suzuki 100 dirt bike that he rode while he lived in Kansas.
Three things:
1.) never knew what my dad's first car was. Isn't that supposed to be a major topic of conversation amongst dads and teens (girls and boys) when getting around driving age?
2.) didn't know my dad lived in Kansas. When - was he born there? Shit - I don't even know WHERE he was born.
3.) didn't know my dad was a Hippie that rode a dirt bike. All I knew was he enlisted into the Army and went to Vietnam (which I know nothing about either).
I can't explain the feelings that up welled within me. It was like sharing a moment -a moment meant for fathers and daughters only; a moment that was meant for me at 15 years old.
I wanted to post a reply that hurt him as much as I was hurting in that instant. I wanted him to feel the hole inside that I felt. I wanted to make that sadness fill up with revengeful sarcasm.
Those moments passed years ago and they are gone.
I have no real point to this - just a moment passed that I missed.
3 comments:
Whoa, Libby. This post is so moving.
In a strange way, I think we all feel so removed but so close to our mothers and fathers- some more so than others, of course. In a way though, filling that hole, back then or now, wouldn't do much good anyway. It would never be enough. It would never fill enough space. It hurts no matter what. The only thing that we can do is move on and try to not repeat the cycle.
Funny, because a few moments before reading this post, I blogged about my own little wormhole.
You're so right. Nothing can fill our holes and they will always carry an emptiness inside us that aches with every moment missed. I wish I knew my dad as a person; his dreams, his hurt, his happiness. I wonder if I am like him in that regard. I wonder how deep the blood runs inside me. My mom always says, "You are so Robert". What does that mean? Is that even a compliment? lol
Thanks Dorian
You're a good listener.
Of course that is a compliment! You have his sense of humor, his face, and his way with words.....all good things! I feel those holes can be filled when you don't repeat the past and move on with being the wonderful role model you are as a mother. I love you, "Your Mama"
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