Hound Dog

     My male dog has been steadily knocking the bottom out of the 'girl' next door, in hopes that we will have cute, rollie-pollie Boxer puppies in a couple of months. All day and all night... it's disturbing - and quite frankly sad my dog has a better sex life than I do. 

    Here's the real  problem though... my dog sounds like he is going to die. Like literally. Die. Any moment.
Every time he "finishes" I have, what looks and sounds like Rush Limbaugh after a triathlon, laid out flat, panting, tongue out, drool everywhere, making this horrible rasping/gasping noise.
    You know that disgusting noise someone makes when they are trying to produce a lugy the size of a golf ball? Yeah, well, that is it- every time he breathes, after his rounds of doggy porn with the neighbor's female, he sounds like he is trying to hock one up.

    If that were all, I guess it wouldn't be so bad, but he's been pissing in the house - not like lifting a leg on the Ficus tree in the corner, but more like a four year old with bad aim and on a sugar high pissing all over the toilet seat. It just comes out in little spurts. (GOD I hope it's pee....)

    Let me not forget to mention  the COUCH we had to throw away yesterday because he jizzed all over it. Really?! I mean, REALLY?? I have never actually seen a dog use the pull-out- method, but low and behold... there was his "method" all over my fucking couch.

Has this dog no shame?? He was screwing on my furniture! What's next? In my car's backseat? I actually thought about trying to clean it. Yes. I did. It was a fleeting thought, but it did, sadly, enter my mind.

 It's bad enough I have a 15 year old pervert for a son, that by most standards really is a pervert. Do you know how many towels and sheets get washed in my house?? It's like I'm running a fucking Holiday Inn in Daytona Beach - during Spring Break. I don't even want to know - or ask - if they are really dirty. No questions asked, in the washer they go.  (I think I should start shopping Sam's Club to stock up on Kleenex in preparation for the 8 year old).

 SO now, we are down a piece of furniture, several nights of sleep, and 60oz of Gain laundry detergent (click for coupons - you're welcome).
 
 We sent the little slut packing after the couch incident - I just hope he did enough to get the job done, I 'd like to be really proud of my disgusting, perverted dog.