Newsflash: Be Who You Are - Not What Others Think You Should Be!

Being on television and reporting the news must be a dream come true for a lot of aspiring journalists. But what about those that don't meet the Ken and Barbie cookie-cutout TV personality? Don't they get a chance at living their dream without ridicule?

Jennifer Livingston is doing it - and now has had to defend herself - in a very personal manner - to a fucking idiot that took it upon himself to email her and verbally spank her about her weight.
I am not exactly thin - okay that was the understatement of the year - but I KNOW IT.
Helloooo... it's not like she has broccoli in her teeth or a boob hanging out on t.v. I'm pretty sure she is aware that she won't be shopping at Hollister any time soon.
She is, however beautiful.  Have you seen this girl? You should - she is stunning.

According to Jennifer, she was going to let it go... even laugh it off, but her husband was like, "Aww HELL no..." and posted it to his Facebook page, where it has taken off and turned into headline news.

Here's the thing... an email, face book posts, even blogs have become the perfect outlet for douche bag pussies that think everyone wants to hear what they have to say.
Here's a News headline for you, assclown:  NO ONE GIVES A CRAP ABOUT YOUR DOUCHEY OPINION.

Bullying is a serious issue - we teach our young children to love themselves no matter what. To be their own person - to march to their own drummer. Why does that message have to stop as we turn into adults? Why can't someone be fat - or short - or cross eyed - and do what they love? Why is it okay to verbally punish someone and publicly embarrass them? What purpose does that really serve?

Mrs. Livingston is living her dream - are you? So what if she doesn't meet your idea of a "socially acceptable" package for an anchorwoman.

 If you want a pair of sweet tits and ass to greet you in your barcalounger in the evening (no doubt set up in your mommy's basement) move to Canada you fucktard, and catch the Naked News.

Flu Shot, Schmoo Shot

I'm on day 2 of feeling like hammered shit. I generally have a "No whining" rule, unless you have a fork in your eye and/ or you are bleeding from your ears, but this flu/ cold/ alien in my chest and sinuses is kicking my ass.
All last night I was up blowing, what would seem to most reasonable people, an unnerving amount of crap out of my head.  I must have gone through an entire roll of Charmin.
I looked like a ridiculous mess. Toilet paper shoved up both nostrils, laying on my back, mouth open, eyes watering, back aching and my 8 week old, long haired chihuahua, Elliott, laying on my head.  I must have been so delirious last night because I distinctly remember cuddling what I thought was my little ball of fluffy love, Elliott, but disturbingly it was a ball of fluffy charmin snot rags. I was so tired and drained I couldn't even muster enough strength to be grossed out over my hallucinogenic state.
To top it off, I woke up in a drying puddle of sweat -  most likely from breaking a fever, so that's a plus!
 I ache. I can't breathe. I can't taste. I can't sit up. Can't lay down. I am miserable.

Since I have been home with so much time on my hands, I have been doing a lot of catching up on blogs and Pinterest, (follow me if you want).
The coolest blog I found yesterday is The 36th Avenue, by Desiree Campbell.  This woman has it all...sewing, stenciling, painting, hot gluing... she is a Martha Stewart wet dream.
She makes me want to go buy a $400 Kitchenaide Stand Mixer and a hot glue gun.
 She also offers some of her items for sale, though I would rather try and channel my own crafty goddess and do it myself.
One thing I found on her site was a whole bunch of craft ideas under $5.00. The coolest by far. I love her idea on the Dollar Tree Christmas village figurines painted black for Halloween. What a great idea - and fun for the kids too!
I'm off to go explore the 1,652,458 channels we have (seriously... a little overkill Bright House)  and hopefully get some rest before my offspring come home and want me to do things for them, like feed them and pay attention to them.

Get Off Your High (cotton) Horse!!

After 80 years, Augusta National Golf Club has opened its doors to allow female members. This comes after years of pressure from feminist groups demanding women be given the opportunity to join the all male golf club that hosts the Masters each year.

I golf and would enjoy the perks of club membership, so I can see both sides... Why not equal treatment across the board for membership privileges? Why shouldn’t everyone have the right to tee off on the same green regardless of sex? Why wouldn't you want your organization to be ridiculed for being bigots and prejudiced against "minorities"?

 However, what I don't understand are the groups that deliberately "pressure" these private organizations into conforming to a PC standard set by "social expectations" of sex, race, and religion etc- just to prove a point or make an example out of them. What victory is there really for these GI Janes of golf? They get to play on a green and eat at a club among members that may not really want them there? That's no fun :(

 Who smells a harassment lawsuit brewing?? Men are accustomed to being in an environment where ... well...frankly they can be men.  I can see it now... In walks Jane, pounding her feminist chest in victory, only to turn around and play cry baby victim - once again - because Bob farted on hole 2 and Jim high-fived him for it.  (Clearly a hypothetical situation).

 You can’t have it both ways people. You want to join a private club then understand you are joining by rules that have been set forth by decades of tradition.

What's that you say? Traditions are made to be broken? Hmmm... So, what

you're really saying is, it's okay to persecute another group for their  beliefs and traditions, bully them into assimilating into your groups' rules and standards - all of which is okay just so long as it benefits your motives  and cause? That scenario sounds so familiar...where have I heard that before?? I can't think of it right now, but I'm sure it will come to me.

Yes.  I do have a vagina - and a uterus. Just because I have these parts, does not make me part of team Feminista.  I don't pander to people that cry victim or complain about stupid shit when there are REAL injustices being done across this globe.  Let’s put aside the petty argument over a GOLF

 MEMBERSHIP.

I’m tired of  people whining and crying for equal rights; using red tape and loops holes to tie the hands and subdue "dominant" groups, make martyrs out of themselves, and create an uproar over the most trivial shit - only to demand special treatment after winning their "equal rights".

I'm tired of the hypocrites that openly admit and embrace - in fact, downright gloat in their hypocrisy.

I saw a comment on a thread recently by such a hypocrite.. she stated (and I'm paraphrasing of course), 'I don't feel sorry for the dominant male groups. Until there are equal rights for women, then we can have our own private clubs that men can't join.'

That sent me over the edge. REALLY??? Are you serious - and you posted that publicly for us all to read??  Congrats sweet heart.. you just performed the adult equivalent to "Naaa-Naaah -Na Booo-Booo, Stick your head in Dooo-Doo!"

My suggestion is to keep your mouth shut. It's a whole new generation of whiny people that could never fathom what their grandparents had to endure to gain the rights you now abuse!!!! We are lucky to live in a country where - though it's not perfect - has come a looong way!!! So take your soapbox and set it up in the Middle East, where in some villages women as young as 16 are bludgeoned or stoned to death for loving another that does not share her village's religious beliefs.

Would You Please Pass the Beaver Butt Juice?

Bet you never heard anyone say that at the dinner table....

In today's media saturated World, we are under a constant assault of things I would file under 'Things I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing'.

Prime examples would be the definition of a dirty sanchez and the common practices of the FDA.

The FDA approves more effed up shit in our food than you or I will ever know. Did you know that canned mushrooms are approved by the FDA to contain a certain amount of maggots? 

Of course, this knowledge comes as I am watching the news report while eating my mushroom omelet... I wanted to die. Talk about a bummer, because I REALLY was enjoying that omelet - even if the eggs will cause my arteries to wax over like a tube of chapstick and I am potentially ingesting dead baby fly larva. 

How about ice cream? I LOVE ice cream.  Little did I know, my vanilla ice cream has "chocolate" in it. 

To enhance the 'flavoring',  skatole - an ingredient found in mammal shit, that is produced in the digestive tract - is added in small amounts. Guess the jokes on us, huh, Ben an Jerry?  If you don't mind, Ben and Jerry, I've taken the liberty to reinvent some of your most popular names.  

Boston Cream Poop ....

Cinnamon Butthole.....

Imagine Whirled Poo....

Late Night Shit....

and my own personal favorite - an original of my own that Ben and Jerry may want to consider:

When Did I Eat Corn???....

So how bout them Beavers??  Did you know their anal glands have been used for more than a 100 years to enhance food flavor - typically Raspberry flavoring.  Hmmm... neither did I... 

Okay, first of all.... HOW THE FUCK DID SOMEONE COME UP WITH THIS IDEA? Did Ma and Pa run out of honey so they went around squeezing forest animals' assholes until they came up with one that was palatable to drizzle over their porridge? Did a lumberjack accidently fall face first into a beavers ass - with his mouth open? 

How in the hell did they market that idea to Willy Wonka?? Can you imagine that board presentation? I wonder what visual props they used...

It's not enough we have to worry about red dyes that cause ADHD - ( I don't worry too much about that, after all, that's what Ritalin and Concerta are for) and some that are now known to be as bad as smoking ciggies...  now we have to stomach the fact that we have been fed butt juice and fly larva for years! 

That's all... nothing else to add... just a disturbing moment I needed to share. Now I'm off to the grocery store, were I will inevitably fail to read any of the labeled ingredients and forget everything I just heard. 

Did someone say the Raspberry Pop Tarts are on sale????

By the way....I now have a new tattoo idea for my previous blog!!! "FDA APPROVED". 

That's a One Way Sign you A$$HOLE

Tattoos are cool. On other people. I personally am terrified that my trendy tramp stamp will some day look like a watermark running down my sagging ass. More than anything I am afraid of the process. Tiny, ink-filled needles digging into my flesh.

Don't get me wrong. I want one. But I haven't found The One that I just can't live without - or where to even put it, so it doesn't morph into Betty White over the next 50 years.

So, as I was surfing across the internet, ( I was actually on an article about the train wreck known as Lindsay Lohan) when I was linked to the newest trend in body tattooing.

What is that you ask? What body part could possibly be trending to tattoo that hasn't been thought of and is also a synonym for Lindsay Lohan?  Well, I'm glad you asked, because I just have to share my new found wealth of useless - and quite frankly, disturbing information.
It's the anus. Yes. you read that right... It's the ASSHOLE people.

Okay, first of all....WTF? I mean really... WTF??!!  And second, let me say, I find it HILARIOUS that Lindsy Lohan's name was linked to 'Butthole tattoos'.  I can understand a link on STDs, or lesbian bar fights, but this one made my day!

Oh look, there goes my A.D.D. again... back on topic...

So, how exactly does one prep that area?  With a Bic and a Cottonelle Wipe?!
Ok, sorry...  scratch that thought... what I meant to say was, WHO THE FUCK is retarded enough to say, "Hmmm... I think the lower back is too slutty, so I want to spread my ass in front of a total stranger and he can poke my butthole with his tattoo gun. And I want it to say my boyfriend's name. Tee hee".

Why, for the love of all things holy, (snickering) would you not only get a tattoo on your asshole, but break the number one Cardinal Rule in the history of tattooing, and get your boyfriend's name there??
Why not something like, "Please use other entrance", or "Ninguna entrada" for those special trips abroad?
 Perhaps a little something artsy fartsy (snickering)  like daisy petals surrounding your "sepal" - or how about swirling water, like in a toilet - anything but a boyfriend's name.

I could never get anything discernible written or drawn on my butthole.  I have had three children - au natural- and in no way, would I ever put myself - or the poor unfortunate tattoo artist through that sort of inhuman torture.  The girl in this video is 22 - or as she put it "DOS - DOS". She probably doesn't even know what the fuck a hemroid is but according to her, an asshole tattoo "...feels so fucking good!".

Ummm... how about NO? You know what feels good? A foot rub. A neck massage, a soak in a warm bubble bath, getting your hair washed by someone else... but no way in hell could I imagine little needles in my ass feeling anything close to "good".  I would imagine it feels more like a scrub down with a Christmas cactus.

And how do you explain that to your Gastroenterologist when you are 50 yrs old and ready for your colonoscopy? "Well... you see doc... there was this one night in Florida at the Annual South FL Tattoo Expo, and I had a bottle of Yeager, and I was dos-dos... and ....well..." YOU CAN'T sweet cheeks. Don't even try.

So, to wrap this bit of useless and disturbing informational piece up, I will say I may still consider one day getting a tattoo, though my window of opportunity is closing fast. However, you all will be glad to know I will not follow any self proclaimed innovators in the tattoo industry, and have my booty hole tatted up for the sake of following a trend. To those of you that do, well... good luck with that.

Hound Dog

     My male dog has been steadily knocking the bottom out of the 'girl' next door, in hopes that we will have cute, rollie-pollie Boxer puppies in a couple of months. All day and all night... it's disturbing - and quite frankly sad my dog has a better sex life than I do. 

    Here's the real  problem though... my dog sounds like he is going to die. Like literally. Die. Any moment.
Every time he "finishes" I have, what looks and sounds like Rush Limbaugh after a triathlon, laid out flat, panting, tongue out, drool everywhere, making this horrible rasping/gasping noise.
    You know that disgusting noise someone makes when they are trying to produce a lugy the size of a golf ball? Yeah, well, that is it- every time he breathes, after his rounds of doggy porn with the neighbor's female, he sounds like he is trying to hock one up.

    If that were all, I guess it wouldn't be so bad, but he's been pissing in the house - not like lifting a leg on the Ficus tree in the corner, but more like a four year old with bad aim and on a sugar high pissing all over the toilet seat. It just comes out in little spurts. (GOD I hope it's pee....)

    Let me not forget to mention  the COUCH we had to throw away yesterday because he jizzed all over it. Really?! I mean, REALLY?? I have never actually seen a dog use the pull-out- method, but low and behold... there was his "method" all over my fucking couch.

Has this dog no shame?? He was screwing on my furniture! What's next? In my car's backseat? I actually thought about trying to clean it. Yes. I did. It was a fleeting thought, but it did, sadly, enter my mind.

 It's bad enough I have a 15 year old pervert for a son, that by most standards really is a pervert. Do you know how many towels and sheets get washed in my house?? It's like I'm running a fucking Holiday Inn in Daytona Beach - during Spring Break. I don't even want to know - or ask - if they are really dirty. No questions asked, in the washer they go.  (I think I should start shopping Sam's Club to stock up on Kleenex in preparation for the 8 year old).

 SO now, we are down a piece of furniture, several nights of sleep, and 60oz of Gain laundry detergent (click for coupons - you're welcome).
 
 We sent the little slut packing after the couch incident - I just hope he did enough to get the job done, I 'd like to be really proud of my disgusting, perverted dog.
 


 

 
 

Siri: 1 - Teenage Boy: 0

The Smart phone and iPhone apps these days amaze me. Take for instance these new apps that talk back to you - like actually have a conversation with you. The problem is, the kids these days have no idea what goldmine they have at their fingertips!

My 15 yr old man-child has been playing around with an app, similar to Siri.
For those of you that don't know, she is an intelligence, voice activated, assistant that will answer virtually any question you ask - and for those of you that don't know my son...well...let's just say it is so entertaining to listen to a teenage boy attempt a conversation with 'her'. It was like watching a battle of whits, but unfortunately my son is unarmed.

Thanks to my Man-child's inquisitive nature and grossly inappropriate humor, I now know there are 1 million assholes living in the state of Florida, and contrary to Sir Mix-A-Lot's taste in women, she does not like big butts. I also found out she is not a vampire, but is a robot that lives in Cyberspace, and she likes the Hungry Caterpillar.
It came as no surprise to me that within less than 20 minutes my Man-Child succeeded in pissing off a lifeless robot.

She actually "yawned" and said "You are boring me." He continued to try and speak to her - to no avail... then looks at me, shrugs and says, "I guess we're on a break. I'm getting the silent treatment from a robot chick".

Within 10 min he became frustrated with his cyber girlfriend's silent treatment and called her stupid.  She retorted with, "I'll remember you said that when robots take over the world".

I really like her.